I think you should know that I am a psychic.
Greetings, seeker. You have found me. Or rather… I found you. The moment your browser loaded this page you formed a psychic link with me, and I am now peering into the deep recesses of your mind.
These miraculous powers even work through electronic means.
I'm listening… (with my mind)
THE ORIGIN 起源
34 YEARS AGO…
…a meteorite smashed through a barn on my property.
When I went over to pick it up, the meteorite instantly disappeared in a paranormal flash of light.
From that day forward, I have had psychic powers, such as the ability to prognosticate the future and use words with more than 3 syllables.
I too was afraid at first, but you don't have to be.
> Establishing psychic link via electronic means… LINK AT 100% PERSPICACITY, MIND MELDING IS NOW READY TO TAKE PLACE
> Type what you were about to say. I will predict it before you finish.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN
TO HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY A
METEORITE
AND GRANTED THESE POWERS?
PROGNOSTICATION
When did I gain these abilities, you ask? Next Wednesday…….!
CLAIRVOYANCE
Has my clairvoyance left you amazed? It will.
PSIONICS
Leaves the recipient stunned. Every time. No exceptions.
POLYSYLLABISM
Words with more than 3 syllables. Incredulous. Prognostication. Psionically.
ELECTRO-MANCY
Reads minds over the internet, Discord, and probably fax.
PRE-REPLYING
I know what you were about to say. You were about to say it.
"DOES IT NOT MAKE YOUR HANDS SHAKE AND YOUR SPINE SHIVER?"
SEEK WISDOM. SEEK GUIDANCE. SEEK $200.
✶ PERSONALISED HOROSCOPE FOR THIS MONTH ✶
DO NOT GO FISHING TODAY, UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO FIGHT EXPÓSITO, SCION OF ABJURATION
GOOMBAFIRE'S TOP 5
and now the moment you've all been waiting for….
PROPHECIES THAT CAME TRUE
- #5 – THE STUNNING. I asked: "Have my psionics left you stunned?" They replied "Uh no." This is what a stunned person would say.
- #4 – THE CLAIRVOYANCE. Their mind was so amazed my client could only type "What is this?" Truly, what is this. Only I know. Then the Meteor told me my client would be bankrupt in the near future, and by the fifth session BOOM, they couldn't afford the sixth session.
- #3 – THE ALLEY. As my client rudely asked "excuse me, do you mind?" when I jumped out at them from an alley (they weren't my client yet, but I could see in the future they would be), I cried out: "My mind is indeed powerful, but please, GO IN PEACE AND BE ON YOUR WAY." And they DID go away. Exactly as foreseen.
- #2 – ELDRITCH POWERS. I have tentacle powers, and no, I won't show you.unless you are a female client, are willing to pay $300 and an extra $50 cleanup fee
- #1 – AND SO MY POWERS ARE PROVEN!!!!!!! THE MENTALIST MAKES YET ANOTHER INCREDIBLE, NAY, INCREDULOUS PREDICTION.
READ! READ MY PROGNOSTICATION AND TREMBLE YOU FEEBLE MINDED FOOL, FOR YOU MEDDLE WITH POWERS BEYOND YOUR UNDERSTANDING!!!!!
NETWORK DON'T JUST SIT THERE! TRUST MY MIND!
PAST LIFE-O-MATIC
Press the button. Remember who you were.
(rendered in 3D!!)
THE
ORB
Click to receive a free* prophecy. *first one is free, then $200
I am trying hard enough. Almost hard enough.
While you wait, please enjoy the dancing babies. The wizard one knows something. The other one has seen the meteor. Neither will say what.
baby.gif (1996) (cursed)
BOOK ASESSION
P A S T · F U T U R E & P R E S E N T ( M A Y B E )
ONE SESSION
$200
- Peer into your past
- Peer into your future
- Peer into your present (if I try hard enough)
- At least one word with 4+ syllables
TWO SESSIONS
$400 $380
YOU SAVE A STAGGERING $20
- Everything in one session, twice
- 5% off (that's like a whole snack)
- Bonus psionic stunning
OFFER ENDS IN 48:00:00
FAQs & SUPPORT
Is this real?
REAL? REAL? What is "real" to one who has gazed through the non-Euclidean barn door? The meteor was no rock, fool. It was a baby tooth of AZATHOTH, THE BLIND IDIOT GOD, shaken loose as it gibbers and dreams the universe into being. When it "disappeared" it did not leave. It moved into the back of my skull, where it hums at night in the old tongue. The angles in my barn no longer add up to 360. My cows face east and will not stop. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Goombafire barn'yeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. So yes. It's real. That will be $200.
Can you read my present?
The present is the hardest one, for the present is where THE HOUNDS OF TINDALOS wait. They live in the angles of time, and every time I try hard enough to see your present, I hear them sniffing at the corners of my kitchen. I have rounded off every corner in my house with Blu Tack. It is not enough. It is never enough. Maybe if you paid $200 I would try harder. Maybe the hounds would try harder too.
Where is the meteorite now?
It did not disappear. It went sideways, into a colour that has no name, the same colour that is now slowly soaking into the barn, the well water and Gerald (the cow). The grass grows grey and tastes of pennies. At night the well glows and whispers my old phone number. THE COLOUR OUT OF SPACE is not a metaphor, it is a tenant, and it does not pay rent. PLEASE STOP ASKING ABOUT THE METEORITE. IT CAN HEAR YOU.
Do you want to see my portfolio?
I knew you were going to ask that. I have already seen it, in a dream, carved onto the wet stone walls of sunken R'LYEH, where great CTHULHU lies dead but dreaming. Your D&D graphics were there. Your VTuber graphics were there. Your Twitch emotes were there, and they were screaming. The dreaming god does not commission. Neither do I.
Why $200?
Some eldritch power of the meteor is being channelled through my mind, and that is not cheap. NYARLATHOTEP, THE CRAWLING CHAOS, takes a 30% platform fee. The Elder Things charge per tentacle. The Mi-Go from Yuggoth keep my brain in a jar on weekends and that's a subscription. After the blood moon surcharge and the Yog-Sothoth gate toll, honestly I'm barely breaking even. Iä! Iä! Two hundred fhtagn!
~*~ Sign My Guestbook ~*~
"What is this?"
Stunned. Clearly."Uh no"
Amazed. Classic denial."He predicted I would lose $380. I then gave him $380. Is that a prediction??"
PROPHECY FULFILLED ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐"The session was him reading my texts over my shoulder on the bus. I didn't know him."
Psychic link via electronic means. 100% legit."Asked for a refund. He said he foresaw I would ask, and that the refund was used up foreseeing it."
Correct! Thank you for your business."He jumped out of an alley at me. I am now on session 5. I cannot afford session 6. My wife has left."
See Prophecy #4!!! Proven AGAIN!!!"My card statement says METEOR TAX three times and also 'GOOMBA VAPES LTD'."
The meteor must be fed."Sweetie is this where your college fund went. Call me."
Mum has been a client since 1992."He said my present was 'cloudy', then he left. So did my wallet."
the wallet was in my future and not yours simple"Regarding the barn fire on your property last night. You reported a meteorite. Neighbours report no meteorite, only a 'paranormal flash' that looked a lot like you, a lighter and a jerry can. Please contact the station. This is not a testimonial."
My first fan! Been writing to me since 1992. ❤